When my Soul lurks beneath my words 

Often I feel ‘drawn’ to write. To put pen to paper or fingertip to keypad. 

At times I will know and choose my topic carefully. I research and I think it all through logically in my mind. But then there are the magical and mystical occasions when I have no plan at all. When I know that my soul has something to say. When it wants to be heard. When it takes over......

I feel the seductive pull. I need to get something out. The urge is powerful and I covet the release.

The desire to let my fingers tap dance to their own tune.

Thoughts bubble and fizz over in my psyche but I cant quite comprehend their message. I know that they want me to hear them. To make sense of them. To be the translator. But like little white wisps of air they float by with no real form. If I try to hard to grasp them they just evaporate. All I can do is watch them. Feel them. Tune in. An intuitive sense of my soul needing to express itself and teach me something if I allow it.

What is my soul trying to say?

I can sense it but I cant quite reach it. All I know is that I need to open the laptop and let ‘spirit’ speak. To embrace and watch this Waltz beautifully unfold. To be the vessel which allows the words to take over the page. 

I feel like I am holding up a big velvet bag of scrabble letters. There are so many ways the letters could tumble out and arrange themselves to style a hundred different stories, with or without my manipultaion. This time they are desperate to tell their own tale. Vibrancy and life running through them.

I tip the bag upside down and allow the letters to free-fall. No thought or manipulation. Just potential to create.....And as I effortlessly begin to type I can only hope that the transparent wisps that are my vague musings will transition into solid bright forms, which will allow the unravelling process to begin, and for clarity to emerge for both the reader and myself. I place trust in the power of the story organically developing on the screen in front of me.

And then I suddenly I get that ahh-ha moment where it all comes together perfectly.

I understand.

My sigh of blissful contentment is released and I am satisfied that my soul (through writing) has beautifully made sense of the messy, jumbled and unnerving ramblings which were spinning incoherently around in my head. The clouds have parted and I can see the sun.

I give thanks to the strength of my soul knowing that it always lurks beneath.

C xxx

Give yourself a Hug

Self love.......

What’s all that about?

Are images of tree-hugging hippys flashing through your mind right now? Hehe. Stay with me folks...because Self-Love isn’t such a crazy idea when you break it down......

We could all use a little spoiling and if someone else indulges us we embrace it. We LOVE it. If our partner or friend gives us a spontaneous hug, buys us a gift, or just sends us a ‘thinking of you’ text we feel warm and fuzzy inside. Somebody cares. Somebody loves me. The world feels a cozier place.

Yet, we don’t feel comfortable treating our-selves in the same loving kind way in which we would treat a friend. We don’t feel like we are worthy of treats and indulgence unless someone else decides it. Unless somebody else gives it to us.

Why?

Why shouldn’t we be our own best friend sometimes? Of course, it is lovely and special when love comes from an external source. It warms our heart and it connects us emotionally. And we do need this. But there are times when much as you crave it the support isn’t there. Your friends/family/partner may be going through their own stuff themselves. Or they may just be super busy with life. There are occasions when everyone in your circle is just bogged down and no--one is free to dish out the support. For whatever reason you don’t get the nourishment you desire. 

Choose now to take the time for some Self-Love. 

You don’t need to wait until someone else decides to pamper you. Give yourself a hug. Tell yourself ‘you’re fab’ and that you deserve the best.

So, if you do need a pick-me-up know that it is okay. 

Embrace it. Go with it. Enjoy it.

Here are some ideas;

- Run yourself a bubble bath. Use the best oil. Light the candles. Fill the water to the top and stay there for as long as you want. 

- Play your favourite songs up loud and dance around. Be silly.

- Wear your ‘best clothes’ - today can be the day you decide is special enough.

- Cook yourself a lovely meal. Set the table. Use the best crockery. Savour every mouthful.

- Bake yourself a chocolate cake. Or just eat one!

- Buy yourself some flowers. Amazing ones!

- Stay in bed all day reading magazines, napping, and eating chocolate

- Paint a picture or write in your journal.

- Snuggle under a blanket and watch a film or read a book.

- Spend time in a bookshop with a cup of coffee and drift off into the land of make-believe.

Basically, do the very things that you would love someone else to give you permission to do. Or that you would love someone else to do for you. Know that you don’t need their consent. Make yourself feel special. Give yourself the same advise you would give a friend. 

Once a very close beautiful friend of mine confided in me that she would love nothing more than to spend her rare day off chilling in bed and eating cake. To not get dressed. To just slob out. To not be a mum for a day. To do nothing. But she felt too guilty to entertain her desire even though she deserved it. I wished I could have given her that gift. 

Choose to give yourself ‘time’ without any commitments. Spend it just as you wish. Take your watch off. Turn the phone off. Do whatever you desire. Even an hour will do. Grab a moment when you can. If it is rare then the luxury will be even more blissful. But know that you deserve it.

Dismiss and reject the guilt and allow yourself to embrace a little self-love.

C xxx

Thyroid Days and Moving Gently

(*#Autoimmune Thyroid/CFS Post)

I don’t generally write personal posts but at times it does all overlap and I guess that this is the nature of a blog. You have to be a little vulnerable and open up so that others can relate and hopefully you can all learn together. And although this website is not really illness related (the focus is on well-being) there will be times that I do share my on-going recovery stages in what I hope will be a positive tone. 

I am discovering that a blog is a little like building up a good friendship. You take your time to get to know each other. You chat about your interests, offer and share advice. You slowly build up a trust.

I trust you.  

There is a beautiful blog which I subscribe to myself  by the fabulous Sarah Wilson (http://www.sarahwilson.com.au) who along side being one of the leading advocates of the merits of ‘quitting sugar’ also documents her own thyroid struggles and journey. Like Sarah I have learnt a LOT about thyroid and autoimmune thyroid to be more specific. I do feel like I have been in medical school for the past decade and there is probably a lot I can share too. I think perhaps I feel duty bound to a little.

Sarah wrote a post a while ago about how she deals with her own ‘Thyroidy Days’. It got me thinking. Although, if I am honest despite deeply relating to her words, I also felt a little like even she didn’t fully understand my own struggle. What I'm (rather awkwardly) trying to say is that secretly I always feel like few people quite get just  how ‘awful’ thyroid days/problems can be. Even someone who suffers. Which probably isn’t fair. But I’m opening up here remember. Being honest. Maybe you feel the same way at times? 

To be fair Sarah is clearly physically stronger than myself and we have to remember we are all working from different levels and starting points. I have 18 years of this illness behind me and at least 12 have been pretty severe. That in itself takes its toll and the longevity and severity changes the entire dimension.

Her post was about how she copes during days when she struggles to hold a conversation or focus on anything. Days when everything hurts. I can relate. She found that it was often best to keep her body moving when she could. To go for a hike specifically. She lives in Australia by the way :-). It probably didn’t make her' better' but she felt it was the best solution. She doesn’t preach in any way. Her inspiring and lovely words are simply a document of what works for her. It made sense and clearly it was still a struggle for her. She was just doing her best.

Yet, a part of me although sympathetic was simultaneously also screaming out 

“Hiking! Are you serious? IF ONLY.”

Sorry Sarah.

Today, I think I understand what she was saying more..... I was having one of those days too. Another one. Not as terrible as they can be. I can definitely feel a hell of a lot worse. Its the Autoimmune element that makes us feel like a ship in a storm. Many days (and particularly over the last 3 months during a rough patch) I have barely been able to get up/out. I definitely have not socialised. That is the hardest thing to do when you are in the ‘thyroid zone’. You feel like you are in a different world. You cannot hold a conversation other than with very close family/friends.

Today I felt shattered. Exhausted, Bone Weary. The usual. Thyroid fatigue (or CFS) is like no other. I can’t describe it but its DIFFERENT. However, I have been increasing my thyroid medication dose a little (after a period of not being about to tolerate any again) and I could feel there was some ‘strength’ beneath the fatigue. I couldn’t really label what it was but it is like our ‘energy’ has so many different layers and sometimes we can only access part of them. 

Illness magnifies and intensifies things. It breaks it all down in ways you would never have considered otherwise. You reflect deeply.

It exposes all the layers for you to dissect.

Anyway, for much of the day I couldn’t get up or get going in any way.  I simultaneously felt restless too. Like my muscles were asking me for action. But my mind was in dream mode. I decided to tune in to my 'energy'...... Suddenly I felt that I could probably move if I didn’t think about it and I just did it slowly and meditatively. If I just put one foot in front of the other...... Nothing more than that.

So, I went outside and I started walking.....gently. This is purely physical. There is no thought. One step, two steps....Feet connecting with ground. I felt Okay. Not better. Not worse. But I was moving.  I started to revel in the pure bliss of my legs carrying me forward. The strength that I do have.

My soles dancing on the pavement in perfect harmony.

“I become a part of nature and I smile. To think about where I am trying to get to would be daunting. This is more about enjoying the journey. I simply continue with my ‘dance’ .

I sit on a bench and look out to sea for a while. 

Still not thinking. Just breathing. My own personal mediation. I take in the blue sky and hear the rhythmic lapping of the waves. I feel the winter sun on my face.” 

My body and soul breathe a gentle sigh of relief. 

Today this is enough and this has indeed been the best solution :-)

I don’t get further and further each day because recovery is not always like that.  I listen to my body. It talks to me. I have to trust it.

Much Love

C xxx

My Secret (can't live without) Recipe:   

Carly's Chocolate & Walnut Cake Bread.

Warning: You're going to love this.... its a cross between a bread and a cake. It is more of a sweet treat. Fresh from the oven it reminds me of a Chocolate croissant.

                                               Bread is fresh from oven, chocolate is melting and I have
                                                                indulged in a dollop of organic butter on top.  Oh and
                                                               Ive use my best vintage tea set to add to the luxury.



Ok, I felt too mean not sharing this with all my friends. Yes I am talking directly to you - Rosie, Becca, Jen, Jo, Steph, Helen and many more. Without sounding too arrogant it is quite simply delish! Living on a gluten, grain and sugar free healthy (paleo based) diet this is a staple for me. I am someone who needs snacks. Three main meals just don't cut it. I eat constantly. I am a grazer. I needed a quick, easy treat that I could pack up and take anywhere which would be tasty and satisfying.

And Voila! :-)

I am not even sure how I created this delight because I have to admit that most grain free breads are complicated! And usually result in total disappointment. Let me say that I have no great skills in the kitchen either. I like things to be quick and easy with minimal ingredients. They must taste good and I don't even really care if they look good ;-)

I tend to mess about in the kitchen. Mix and match recipes and throw in my own adjustments. Hence my treats may vary in consistency but this one has never gone wrong. 

So, dont worry about being too exact. I rarely use measurements although I've tried to create one for you to follow below. I also use a tin bread loaf pan which is probably roughly about 8 by 4 inches.  Try any pan (round or rectangle) but this does make a difference to the outcome in terms of size and how much it rises. But thankfully, they all taste GOOD.

Ingredients required:
1 jar of Cashew nut butter (organic)
1 teaspoon Honey (organic, raw)
1/2 teaspoon Baking powder (gluten free)
3 Eggs
1 tablespoon Apple cider vinegar (optional)
3/4 tablespoons of water (optional - just bulks it out)
large handful broken Dark chocolate chips (as desired)
Handful broken organic Walnuts (as desired)
1 teaspoon Vanilla extract (organic)

Instructions:
In a food processor (or feel free to use some elbow grease and do by hand) blend the Nut butter, Eggs, Baking Powder, AVC and Vanilla extract.

Add in the Chocolate chips and Walnuts and stir.

Add in a little water. Liquid can be fairly runny.

Add some baking paper to your tin and pour the mix in.

Put in pre-heated oven at 175 degree celsius for approx 30 mins. Keep a watch on this as ovens vary. Mine takes 5 mins longer at times but sometimes less.*

Thats it!  So Simple.

The prep takes me under 5 minutes. Literally. No washing up other than the processor/bowl and a spoon. Keep the bread wrapped in the baking paper and transfer to a tin once cooled. I keep mine in the fridge for up to a week. Although to be fair it NEVER lasts that long!

Enjoy & Eat Brightly

C xxx

P.S - Let me know what you think in the comments below if you can. I think you have to sign in as "anonymous" in order to be able to leave a comment but then sign your name so I know who you are. 

*I think these breads have a mind of their own ;-)

Riding the Waves

We all crave peace. We love those moments where we feel totally ‘at one’ and at ease. We breathe deep, stretch widely, and let out a contented ‘sigh’. Lovely. 

Why cant all moments be like this?

Realistically, often our emotions are the exact opposite and its hard to know how to deal with them especially when they build up over time and you reach ‘explosion’ point (either internally or externally) and ‘Zen’ becomes a laughable term. EEK!

I recently came across some advise about dealing with that ‘wave’ which can rise magnificently and powerfully in a spilt second when someone or something annoys you. Similarly, this would also apply to anxiety or any type of DISTRESS.... Like a match to a flame it brightly ignites in a split second, often overwhelmingly or shockingly so! It takes you by surprise and you (or I) fall in that time old honored fashion of riding it, and fueling it further with words and thoughts.

We can so easily go on an internal justifiable rant of why we are ‘upset/irritated’ and why we are ‘right’!  But, (annoyingly) I can no longer seem to ignore that uncomfortable niggly feeling which accompanies it. That ‘niggle’ makes me rant further, wanting more and more self justification. Argh, self-perpeptuating circle anyone?

“I am right to be upset because.....” 

(Blah, blah, blah.)

“They shouldn’t have said that to me...”

(Blah, blah, blah.)

Eventually the wave passes and all I feel is guilt and a good measure of unease and self depreciation. Sound familiar? ..... The doubt creeps in.... 

“Maybe I was wrong after all.....”

(Blah, blah, blah.)

That kind of thing. Wow, it takes up a lot of energy and time!

The advise I came across was fascinating but like much of what I read, I can appreciate the wisdom and the truth in my serene moments, but it doesn't always practically hit home in the more challenging times.

Heres how this was different for me, and maybe it can be for you too;

When perhaps a loved one upsets you and that wave hits you, try to ‘FEEL’ it and “WATCH’ it. 

Become it almost. 

Experience the power of the EMOTION that you are feeling. And here’s the key - recognise that it is the EMOTION you experience which is so painful, and not necessarily the words or the argument itself. They are just the trigger. Acknowledge that this emotion is your own crazy creation.

Literally remove yourself from the force of the words, the intent, the argument and fully comprehend and understand that you are not reacting to those, but that you are objecting to the FEELING (the wave) that has exploded within you. The catalyst has created a un-proportional monster. 

Stand back and go inside and stay with it. It’s not nice. You want to run. It feels like a tidal wave, a tsunami! Its more than just uncomfortable! The powerful urge is to let the voices in your head take over. To let them win and be on your side. To let the storm rage.

DONT!

Try with all your might to let these thoughts and voices dissolve.  Like wisps of angry grey air that gradually disappear. Stay present with that terrible emotion, those endless crashing dark waves.

And do you know what happens?....

The waves start to diminish and then they stop. Literally like a storm in the ocean they suddenly burn themselves out and peace is simply and calmly restored. Most often the initial trigger suddenly seems unimportant and irrelevant. You can deal with it or choose to just let it go. But at this point you are only dealing with the issue in hand, rather than a swell of unrelated emotional baggage which you have subconsciously been holding onto.

I experienced this and I cannot tell you how powerful it is. Once the waves had passed and the emotion had gone, the response to the catalyst itself was trivial. And laughable. Really! And it all took about 2 minutes from start to end! :-)

Realising that I was reacting to emotion rather than words was incredible. In that instant I knew I had a choice. I always have a choice. The old proverb is true; Word’s really don’t hurt you. And certainly not as much as you hurt yourself. Feeding the waves just fuels their anger. And above all it still leaves you uneasy once the passion has dissipated. Watching the waves and feeling them simply dissolves them.  

I’ll leave you with another old proverb: 'Practice is said to make perfect!' ;-)

C xxx

P.S I need to remind myself constantly of all that I learn and I definitely don’t always follow all my advice. I wish!... In fact I write in order to remind myself to practice and grow. .... It can be hard work and Im only human ;-)