Thyroid Days and Moving Gently

(*#Autoimmune Thyroid/CFS Post)

I don’t generally write personal posts but at times it does all overlap and I guess that this is the nature of a blog. You have to be a little vulnerable and open up so that others can relate and hopefully you can all learn together. And although this website is not really illness related (the focus is on well-being) there will be times that I do share my on-going recovery stages in what I hope will be a positive tone. 

I am discovering that a blog is a little like building up a good friendship. You take your time to get to know each other. You chat about your interests, offer and share advice. You slowly build up a trust.

I trust you.  

There is a beautiful blog which I subscribe to myself  by the fabulous Sarah Wilson (http://www.sarahwilson.com.au) who along side being one of the leading advocates of the merits of ‘quitting sugar’ also documents her own thyroid struggles and journey. Like Sarah I have learnt a LOT about thyroid and autoimmune thyroid to be more specific. I do feel like I have been in medical school for the past decade and there is probably a lot I can share too. I think perhaps I feel duty bound to a little.

Sarah wrote a post a while ago about how she deals with her own ‘Thyroidy Days’. It got me thinking. Although, if I am honest despite deeply relating to her words, I also felt a little like even she didn’t fully understand my own struggle. What I'm (rather awkwardly) trying to say is that secretly I always feel like few people quite get just  how ‘awful’ thyroid days/problems can be. Even someone who suffers. Which probably isn’t fair. But I’m opening up here remember. Being honest. Maybe you feel the same way at times? 

To be fair Sarah is clearly physically stronger than myself and we have to remember we are all working from different levels and starting points. I have 18 years of this illness behind me and at least 12 have been pretty severe. That in itself takes its toll and the longevity and severity changes the entire dimension.

Her post was about how she copes during days when she struggles to hold a conversation or focus on anything. Days when everything hurts. I can relate. She found that it was often best to keep her body moving when she could. To go for a hike specifically. She lives in Australia by the way :-). It probably didn’t make her' better' but she felt it was the best solution. She doesn’t preach in any way. Her inspiring and lovely words are simply a document of what works for her. It made sense and clearly it was still a struggle for her. She was just doing her best.

Yet, a part of me although sympathetic was simultaneously also screaming out 

“Hiking! Are you serious? IF ONLY.”

Sorry Sarah.

Today, I think I understand what she was saying more..... I was having one of those days too. Another one. Not as terrible as they can be. I can definitely feel a hell of a lot worse. Its the Autoimmune element that makes us feel like a ship in a storm. Many days (and particularly over the last 3 months during a rough patch) I have barely been able to get up/out. I definitely have not socialised. That is the hardest thing to do when you are in the ‘thyroid zone’. You feel like you are in a different world. You cannot hold a conversation other than with very close family/friends.

Today I felt shattered. Exhausted, Bone Weary. The usual. Thyroid fatigue (or CFS) is like no other. I can’t describe it but its DIFFERENT. However, I have been increasing my thyroid medication dose a little (after a period of not being about to tolerate any again) and I could feel there was some ‘strength’ beneath the fatigue. I couldn’t really label what it was but it is like our ‘energy’ has so many different layers and sometimes we can only access part of them. 

Illness magnifies and intensifies things. It breaks it all down in ways you would never have considered otherwise. You reflect deeply.

It exposes all the layers for you to dissect.

Anyway, for much of the day I couldn’t get up or get going in any way.  I simultaneously felt restless too. Like my muscles were asking me for action. But my mind was in dream mode. I decided to tune in to my 'energy'...... Suddenly I felt that I could probably move if I didn’t think about it and I just did it slowly and meditatively. If I just put one foot in front of the other...... Nothing more than that.

So, I went outside and I started walking.....gently. This is purely physical. There is no thought. One step, two steps....Feet connecting with ground. I felt Okay. Not better. Not worse. But I was moving.  I started to revel in the pure bliss of my legs carrying me forward. The strength that I do have.

My soles dancing on the pavement in perfect harmony.

“I become a part of nature and I smile. To think about where I am trying to get to would be daunting. This is more about enjoying the journey. I simply continue with my ‘dance’ .

I sit on a bench and look out to sea for a while. 

Still not thinking. Just breathing. My own personal mediation. I take in the blue sky and hear the rhythmic lapping of the waves. I feel the winter sun on my face.” 

My body and soul breathe a gentle sigh of relief. 

Today this is enough and this has indeed been the best solution :-)

I don’t get further and further each day because recovery is not always like that.  I listen to my body. It talks to me. I have to trust it.

Much Love

C xxx